Back at college...

I've spent this week at an institute and I have had to stay on a college campus. Thank God it was air conditioned! During my stay I've noticed a few things about myself...interesting things.

This summer I rededicated myself to me. I decided this summer that in order to fully give myself to someone else, I have to fully give myself to me first. If you truly don't respect yourself, you allow others to disrespect you.

I have never met the people I'm working with, but I would venture to guess everyone thinks I'm a strong-willed individual and I wouldn't take crap from people because I respect myself. If I had met these people two months ago, they would not have thought the same thing. I carry myself in a different manner. I walk with my head up...unless I'm texting and walking (dangerous by the way!). I'm not scared to offer my opinion. It's called an opinion for a reason, it isn't wrong. No one can make you feel wrong about your opinions unless you let them.

I don't like to sit for long periods of time. It never quite bothered me before, but I've been very active this summer. I spend at least two hours a day at the gym. This week, the gym was not an option for me. I had to research and write essays til the early hours of the morning. It was a week for the brain, not the rest of my body! At the end of the day my brain is tired, but my body is wired! I haven't exerted myself this week. I've been on the elliptical twice this week and that was at the beginning prior to getting myself immersed in scholarly activities. I wonder what will happen to me when I return to the classroom (IN TWO WEEKS!) -- will I be one of those bounce around the room teachers? Or will I revert back to my old ways and have no energy when the day is done for no reason?

Eating healthy is expensive. I would spend about $10 on lunch everyday and I would get a salad and a baked potato. My not so healthy minded colleagues would pay far less than I and get some delicious looking, yet quick to the hips, fattening food. This just doesn't make sense to me. I think they should charge people more to eat that junk! Not only should it make you fat, it should empty your pockets. I think that could make people a little more conscience of their lifestyles. It's frustrating to think that people with a low socioeconomic status end up overweight. This isn't a matter of option necessarily. Their only option at times is to buy junk. Junk which has little to no nutritional value. These same people probably don't have the money to spend on a gym membership (well...that's no excuse not to exercise...but you get the point) either, thus making the junk they ate really stick to their body!

My body is used to being active. I must maintain this lifestyle. It will be difficult, but for the betterment of me, it has to be done. I am on a path to self betterment. I truly believe I have seen the struggle within myself come out and I'm finally fighting to save me. Am I doing this for myself? Of course, but it also has other incentives. By losing weight and feeling better about myself, I'm truly a happier person. I'm confident. I'm proud of myself because I've done this. When I'm happier, I'm nicer. I was a bitter person, not giving of my time or patience. I now I have time and patience to give to my family. I'm not bogged down by my insecurities. I'm secure in myself and my vision to get where I want be. I'm actually half way there and it's only taken me a summer. I'm hoping by Christmas I can finally open the true present of life. ME.

Learning to let go

I fully believe the reason I've never kept weight off is because I've never said "good-bye" to the chunky girl. There are many ways in which I could have done this and I didn't.

I didn't:
*get rid of big clothes - I guess I just knew I would need them again...what if I gain all the weight back? Because I will!
*give myself the congratulations I deserved - I was hard on myself instead for not losing more...good job for NOT losing all the weight you wanted to...way to be a quitter!
*didn't let other people know how well I really did - it's not that I was ashamed of how much I lost, I was more ashamed about how much more I didn't lose...I'm not going to show off this little weight loss, why couldn't I just lose more weight and show THAT off!
*buy new clothes - I had old clothes I could fit into...why on Earth am I going to spend money on something that isn't going to last and I have perfectly fine clothes from high school (oh geez!)

Now I know what I want to do...and that's the first step!
Have I gotten rid of any clothes? No...but I will! I know what fits and I know what's loose...so it's just a matter of weeding them out.
Am I proud of myself? You bet your butt I am!
Am I letting people know of my accomplishments? I'd say...YES!
Am I wearing old clothes? Yes...only for now though. I'm not going to buy new clothes when I know a smaller size is in sight! Right!?!

I'm still having difficulty looking in the mirror and not seeing "chunky girl." At times I look and I see who is truly there and I smile and think what great progress I'm making. But I usually see a big blob staring back at me...and probably at a weight I've never been. This truly is more than a weight battle...it's a self worth...self esteem...but mostly self respect. I haven't been respecting myself. I also haven't been demanding respect from other people. It's easy to pay little attention to the amount of respect others give you when you give yourself so little.

I have the workouts down. I have the healthy eating down. I'm still working on the self respect. I truly have to use the energy I have left at the end of the day to celebrate me. There are things and a person in this world who wouldn't be here without me. My daughter deserves a mommy who teaches her how to be a self-respected woman.

Number game

Life is a number game. Everything revolves around numbers. From your address to your bank account...from your waist size to your pant size.

Weighing myself used to be painful. I'm not sure why I used to step on the scale. I had to know the number wasn't going down. A miracle hadn't happened. I couldn't just eat whatever I wanted and expect the scale to go down! But, I did. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen.

I just couldn't take it anymore. Why on Earth was I still stepping on that stupid scale!?! Ah ha! Possibly one little part of my body was urging me to go on a journey. A journey of endless numbers? NO! A journey to end the number obsession.

I've lost 15 pounds. This is the most weight I've lost by doing the right thing. Sure, I've lost weight before...and I've also gained it back and then some. I'm doing the right thing now. I'm making a life style change. I'm not on a diet! I'm changing my future.

Do I have a number goal in mind? Yes...but I don't really know what that number looks like. I've never been the ideal weight...usually a little on the chunky side. I don't know how my body looks at 140. I know what my body looks like in a size 10...I'm in a 12 now. I'd love to be a size 8...but again, I have no idea what that looks like - on me. Once I'm comfortable in my skin, I'll level off.

To be comfortable in my skin, my mind has to believe what's going on. My self esteem has to be high. My spirits must be lifted. I have to feel within my soul that - "I can do this!" I'm starting to feel that now. I see the light and it's not very far away. I'm almost there.